I just pynch a tree in the face
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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