I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The Olympian is in my bed
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