I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
