I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
