I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
