in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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