What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just cut my nipple shaving
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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