you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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