The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I came so hard my ears popped.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
