My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
