No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
