the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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