Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
