Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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