I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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