I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
