I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
whose parrot is this?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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