i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
