I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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