I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
