you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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