Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
