i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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