I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
