wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
