I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
