Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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