We're facebook friends in real life
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
