1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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