We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
