Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
