You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
