I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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