he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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