if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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