My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
