but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
