Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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