Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
