Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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