Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
dude. I can hear the air.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
