I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
