Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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