Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize