Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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