Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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