Someone shit on the floor
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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