I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
