I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
