i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
