Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize