I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
