when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
