You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
