sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
