woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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