Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
