i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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