I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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