He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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