If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
