I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
