we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
